Where I’m at

May 23, 2009 at 9:37 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

For those of you who still look to this website for updates (and I’ve gotten emails from a bunch of you this month), I am now blogging at LaurenMalone.tumblr.com

Don’t get me wrong, I may be back here someday, but for now I’m a tumblr girl.

She’s a Daddy’s girl

March 15, 2008 at 1:04 am | Posted in Uncategorized | Comments Off on She’s a Daddy’s girl

David Archuleta sings Imagine

March 2, 2008 at 10:11 am | Posted in Uncategorized | 3 Comments

If you haven’t followed American Idol this season, you’ve got to listen to this performance. I think I may even like this version better than the original.

And get this, the kid is seventeen.

Butt Waddle

February 16, 2008 at 10:29 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Comments Off on Butt Waddle

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You need this rant

May 17, 2007 at 5:55 pm | Posted in Agitated, Employment, Uncategorized | 8 Comments

Today was a grade-A shitty day. The optimistic side of me says, wait a minute, it’s only 6:30, maybe it will improve. The sane part of me thinks that enough fecal matter has been dropped on today that nothing, aside from a newly appointed engagement ring or a giant bowl of heath bar-filled ice cream, could make today better.

I woke up late. Seriously? I can’t remember the last time I did that. I was twenty minutes late for work and my bosses were taking bets as to what had happened to me: she quit because of your yelling, her car broke down, she’s drunk. If those two sweet loud elderly bosses of mine knew me at all they would know that these scenarios are simply impossible. I am not easy to scare off (unless you hit me), I drive a nice new CR-V that can’t break down because it is a Honda, and I rarely drink. I simply was enjoying the dream that I was having and had to finish it before real life kicked me awake.

Since my bosses didn’t really seem to care that I was late, I spent the rest of the day wallowing in ex-Catholic guilt about how terrible a person I am to value those few minutes of sleep over my job. So thanks to Jesus, I kissed their ass for the rest of the day to make up for my downfalls. I took a short lunch, waited in a ridiculous line at the post office to buy them 41¢ stamps, and repaired all of their pool filters. I let them yell at me on occasion, and didn’t complain when I cut three of my fingers.

And then the cloudy rainy wet weather came. And suddenly everything that could make me sad in the world mixed itself in those raindrops and made me feel like crying for absolutely no reason at all except that I am a failure and I once called my professor “dude” and there are people starving in this world while I own a 5lb container of macaroni salad.

And then there was the traffic, and the lady at the gas station who gave me the wrong brand of cigarettes. And when I went to take my first shower of the day, covered in grease and dirt and crushed diatomaceous earth from the filters, my roommate turned on the washing machine and the shower water spewed cold remnants of heat.

And the moral of all of this bitching is this: I feel fine now that I’ve written it all down. How silly it was of me to think that my life was over because I had a stupid day. This is why blogging is cool, people. This macaroni salad is damn good.

Tell me how your day was.

Oh bother.

March 23, 2007 at 4:07 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 9 Comments

Today marks my 1 monthiversary of being unemployed. *does sarcastic job-less dance around the house*. I’m pretty fed up with it all. I never thought I’d say this, but I’m tired of getting to sleep in late. So please hire me.

I’ve submitted thousands of resumés and cover letters to companies via Careerbuilder and Monster.com. I’ve gotten no responses. Zero. Zilch. A big capital F’in Nada. What I have received unwillingly are hundreds of those spam emails from people pretending to be huge millionaires and could I please send over all of my personal information and a pair of my underwear so that I, too, can become rich like they are.

Some of them just want to date me. Some of them want to “Increase [my] penis size 93”. Most claim that they’d like for me to be rich. Me too, people, me too.

Here’s a good one:

I am zhanna. I am from Moscow, Russia.
I am dreaming to find my real man. Maybe this is you? What do you think
about it? Please, send me a reply here

Today I put on a business suit and drove around the neighboring towns looking for work. I found nothing I was interested in, so I went to CVS and bought a newspaper. At least the cashier at CVS thought I looked professional–I have good posture while dressed to be someone’s office bitch.

And so I came home and changed into jeans. I found one of my fish belly up, discovered no new employers in my inbox bidding for me to work for them, and realized that I hate everything about job searching. So I got my hair cut.

Tonight we are going out, something we haven’t done in a long long time.

Your cheer and job offers in comments.

Is this for real?

March 22, 2007 at 1:19 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 6 Comments

Check out this job application I found this morning. Who would seriously apply for this? First of all, looking for a BABE? Can we say sexual harrassment? And $1 an hour? This must be a joke.

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