The nonexistent and omnipresent poop

February 6, 2008 at 5:18 pm | Posted in Puppy | 10 Comments

Sammy has grown into this routine where he will ONLY POOP AT THE DOG PARK! And since the weather is predicting three days of rain and we spent yesterday at the dog park catching pneumonia in a thunder storm, I decided that this morning we would skip the park. I decide to walk Sam in our backyard and then at the local cemetery by our house instead.

After a 45-minute walk, 10:30 rolls around and still no poop. I am usually on my drive to work by now and instead I am wearing pajamas and boots, standing in a cemetery in the rain pleading with my oh so sweet puppy to TAKE A DUMP ALREADY. I call Sean, furious. He says go to work, put him in his cage, and don’t worry about it. I wait five more minutes before taking us home. Sam cries while I take my two-minute shower because he does not want to be in his cage. He whines, he screams, he barks, he shouts. So although I am twenty minutes late for work departure I decide to take him out in the backyard one. more. time.

You would think he’d take pity on me and poop. You would think.

I debate calling out sick, knowing that Sean is going to have to come home from work to a covered-in-poop dog. I decide that calling out sick for a dog that won’t poop would be a really stupid idea. How would I explain this to my boss? I go to work and spend the day thinking only of Sam sitting there in his cage having to poop, or laying in it. When 3:30 rolls around I make a rash decision to take a half-day; I can’t concentrate when I know he is at home upset and alone.

As soon as I walk in the door I know he has shat himself. I can smell a faint odor of poop coming from his cage. As I get closer, I see that my once white dog is now completely brown, with poop down his back and on his forehead. “Now you see, this is why you listen to Mommy and poop in the morning!” I found myself telling deaf ears. I grab his collar and carefully walk my poop-covered pup outside (where he poops twice — I might add) and he whines the whole time.

I drag his poop-covered butt upstairs to the shower, rid myself of my work clothes, and spend the next thirty minutes scrubbing the poop off of Sam. If showers were a reward for our dog, I would probably be a little peeved, but he hates taking a shower and so I felt the shower alone was justice for me having to touch his poop-soaked body with my bare hands.

For one instant, as I stood buck naked and drenched in that shower with my poopy dog, I thought to myself: this is why I am a cat person. But then I looked down at my poor pathetic stinker looking so depressed and ashamed, and the fact that he stank so bad didn’t seem to matter. Because I love him, poop and all.


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  1. When our dog was a puppy, she REFUSED to poop outside. She would wait til the second someone left to poop on the floor. She physically held it for three days straight because we were home one day. The second one of us left her sight was all it took for her to let loose. Thankfully, after a year she found out she could go outside. Then it was just the issue of her refusing when it was wet out (snow was okay, she loved snow).

    Now seven years later, the only quirk she has is she will not poop and pee at the same time. Her morning routine goes – run outside pee. Come in the door and wait for someone to lock it and start to walk away. Then prance in front of the door doing the poopy dance until someone lets her right back out so she can finish. We’ve tried making her stay out until she does both but she won’t.

  2. I wish Sam had a poopy dance this morning. πŸ™‚

  3. Lauren, you have me laughing so hard I almost wet my pants! The way you described the scene, I was almost there.

    Keep it up, you funny girl!

  4. Poor Poopington. He looks so pathetic about it, but it’s so exasperating when they won’t cooperate!


  5. That was such a funny story!

    I had to babysit my best friend’s dog once. My friend had her friend over at our house for a few days because her elderly neighbor in her condo kept complaining that the dog is noisy…That dog HARDLY barks, but hey gotta respect the old lady.

    So anyways, “Maggie” the dog needs to pee in the morning and then at night before going to sleep…I took her out one night and she does not want to pee! It was frustrating because we had to go outside when nobody was around since she does not like attention. Tired of waiting and 50 mosquito bites later, I took her back to the house…watched tv and she started whining. Her tail was in between her legs and I knew she needed to pee. Took her out again, no pee. After an hour, she decided to pee in the kitchen where it was dark. It was like a fish pond! Geez! She’s back with her owner now…but I sure do miss that doggie.

  6. Chloe will not go in our backyard. She will pee on the floor instead of do that. But if you put her stupid collar on her and her leash on her and walk her anywhere..she will go. She needs that device on her little body to feel free to let it flow.

    Fortunately for me she’s so small that if she has an accident it’s easily cleaned. But still irritating. Put the leash on her and take her in the front yard and no problem. Open the back door into the big huge backyard and no way will she go. I think perhaps she was trained by her former owners to only go on the leash.

    You’re a good doggie owner. Very good indeed. Sam is lucky.

  7. Laur, Lizzy is here with me we were pissing r pants with the dogs talking.. It was hilarious.. xoxox us

  8. Good lord. I am a cat person too. If my future mini schnauzer is ever covered in poop, I’m not sure I would be as funny and gracious and dog-parent as you are!

  9. Get Sam’s favorite treat and only give it to Sam when he pees/poops in your own yard. He’ll be pooping soon enough. πŸ™‚

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